Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
