Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize