I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
