Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
