I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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