Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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