That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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