Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
