4 words: hood of his car
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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