I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
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