checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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