I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
