i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
