Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
