the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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