My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
