I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
