Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
