i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
