Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
