Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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