I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Small penises have feelings too.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
