Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am one with the molecules
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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