Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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