Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize