When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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