I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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