I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
