I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
