so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
