Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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