Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
