his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
