I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
