He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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