I've blown a few things in my day
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
