I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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