Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
