it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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