My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize