bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize