So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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