we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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