Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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