i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
