when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
