i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
This is my gift to your gina
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
