Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
