my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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