I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
