You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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