last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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