Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
