Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
