apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
