Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
